Debbie’s Blog

Chapter 10 Breakthrough

We were separated into two groups, A and B, for the intense integrated recovery and psychodrama sections of the program. I can recall the “method” acting everyone performed; each person was to assign someone in the group to play a family member. They were then instructed to speak to that particular family member revealing the wounds they caused or denied. There were sticks with pillows attached that were available to pummel onto a larger pillow as each client expressed or released their anger.

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I remember saying to myself, as I sat watching the drama unfold, “You are not going to get me up there and act out like that. No way was that going to happen!” I was frozen; my feelings were numb. I didn’t want to feel the pain I had pushed deep inside and kept hidden for over twenty years. No. No. NO. I am not doing this. Yet, as the counselor turned and faced me, her eyes held such compassion, any fear of distress I may have encountered, was assuaged. I knew in my heart this had to be done for me to have any prospect of healing. I began to choose the people who were to play the “role” of my mother, father, and brother.

As the process began, I felt myself slide into character and I started to ask the questions I longed for all these years to hear the answers to. There were no one else in the room; I was oblivious to anyone or anything, save for my own “inner” turmoil. “Where were you Mommy and Daddy? Where were you when I needed your protection? Why weren’t you there for me?” I felt the rage inside, slowly rise from my solar plexus up through my chest, reaching my throat, and eventually out through my mouth as I screamed, “Why, why, why, didn’t you protect me?”

  • A snippet from Chapter 10